BULLETPROOF BOUNDARIES
NOTE: Be advised, this is a simplified outline for my Masterclass of the same title. I currently have all classes and workshops on hold, while I update my material and upgrade my user platforms. If you aren’t on the list to be notified, please check back soon for updates. And if you want to be notified, just send me a request through the contact form. (Don’t worry, I won’t send a bunch of spammy emails – who has the time?)
BULLETPROOF BOUNDARIES –
Field Notes From a Former Marine, For People-Pleasers Who Are Overwhelmed and Exhausted
BREAKDOWNS BEFORE BREAKTHROUGHS
PILLARS OF EFFECTIVE BOUNDARY-SETTING
- If your well-being isn't a moving target, then your boundaries shouldn't be either.
- We must stand up TO ourselves in order to stand up FOR ourselves.
- Walls are not boundaries - we're going for a perimeter, not a bunker.
- Boundaries are an ACTION -- not a reaction.
- Effective boundaries are reciprocal.
- Choose discomfort over resentment.
MYTHS, MISTAKES, AND MOVING TARGETS
(7) Myths about Boundaries that will shift your awareness
- MYTH #1 - Once you set a boundary, you're done.
- MYTH #2 - Boundaries can control the behavior of others.
- MYTH #3 - All boundaries are created equal.
- MYTH #4 - You can't set new boundaries in old (existing) relationships.
- MYTH #5 - Enforcing boundaries will push people away, isolate you.
- MYTH #6 - Enforcing boundaries is about punishing others.
- MYTH #7 - People need to understand/agree with my boundaries.
(5) Boundary-setting Mistakes that most people make (including professionals)
- MISTAKE #1 - Ultimatums
- MISTAKE #2 - All-or-nothing
- MISTAKE #3 - Bluffing
- MISTAKE #4 - Backtracking
- MISTAKE #5 - Control / Punishment
STRUCTURE - THE (4) C's OF BOUNDARY-SETTING
Clear | Concise | Congruent | Consistent
THE COST OF POOR BOUNDARIES
- well-being (addressing self-care)
- confidence (addressing self-worth)
BOUNDARIES AS VALUES
How to turn value statements into boundary declarations
- I prioritize my well-being.
- I give my word and I keep it.
- I am responsible for my happiness.
- I promote respect and cooperation.
- I prioritize my family, my health, and my spiritual practice.
B O U N D A R I E S — THE SYSTEM
THE PRINCIPLES –
(7) Principles Of Bulletproof Boundaries
1. Your well-being is NOT a moving target, and your boundaries shouldn't be either.
2. Those who can tolerate discomfort are able to create and maintain highly effective boundaries.
3. We can only be as honest with others as we are with ourselves. (honest, firm, clear, etc.)
4. Available doesn’t mean obligated. (time, resources, attention, etc.)
5. Whatever you value most, you'll set a perimeter around. (family, home, resources, etc.)
6. When we "hold our line" (boundary) people usually step away from it, rather than over it.
7. Our habits should match our boundaries. (congruence)
THE STEPS –
(7) Steps Of Bulletproof Boundaries
1. Choose discomfort over resentment (and regret).
2. Prioritize what you value.
3. Stand up TO yourself, so you can stand up FOR yourself.
4. Move yourself - NOT your Boundaries.
5. Ask, rather than assume.
6. Observe, but do not engage.
7. Protect your well-being.
YOUR RULES OF ENGAGEMENT –
1 Expect discomfort and train accordingly.
2. Boundaries determine behavior – YOUR behavior.
3. The FIRST boundary you must set is with yourself.
4. Be clear, concise, and consistent.
